Five easy and practical ways to survive Black Friday

The sun is up, and I survived Black Friday. And I’m writing this entry to share these life saving tips with you. It’ll take a lot of practical application of common sense, crowd control savvy, and most importantly, caffeine. Coming out alive on a Black Friday is akin to the survivor’s journey depicted on that hit AMC show, The Walking Dead. Here’s what you’ll need.

Caffeine
Say what you want to say about coffee, the fact of the matter is, you’re planning on being awake and alert to be able to compete with the droves of freshly fed turkey eaters, and some vegan vaulters. No really, you’re in it for the long haul. If you want to want to see the light at the end of the tunnel, in this case, the sunrise –then you’re going to have to be like many athletes do and load up. Lucky for you, drug tests aren’t administered before being able to partake in this madness.

Patience
It’s a virtue, but on Black Friday, it could down right be a life preserver. And I don’t mean shoulder up and camp for exclusive deals. If you’re looking to do that, find another Easy and Practical Ways to Survive Black Friday guide. No, what I mean is, when you’re in the trenches, you’ve got to be able to hold for the calvary. In this case, getting your ass to the cash registers. There’ll be line cutters, computer crashes or heaven forbid, a natural disaster of some sort happen while you’re waiting in line. Patience, my friend, will save you. On that note, teach your bladder some patience too.

Low-to-No Expectations
Let’s face it, many of you head down to Black Friday sales because of the remarkable marketing that goes into getting any Black Friday sale. Like a moth to flame or a pirate and booty, you will undoubtedly be drawn to the shiny. And when you get there, do you honestly think that exclusive deal will still be there? Unless you’re like the nuts (see first paragraph) who camp out, expect to settle for less. There are many times in life when having high expectations is perfectly acceptable: McDonald’s fast food, skin exfoliation, I’m not saying this should be your day to day practice, no, this is a special occasion. Remember in the scene from 500 Days of Summer; You know, the one with EXPECTATIONS vs. REALITY. Well, it’s kind of like that. Low-to-No is the way to go, and if you happen to be the lucky few who are able to marry expectations and reality, then good for you –enjoy that 80″ LCD screen that cost a mere penny. Ass.

Practice Standing & Swaying
You don’t win the Superbowl, or Penant, or the Oscars without it. What am I talking about? One word: Practice. You want to survive? You want to make the cut? You want to stand among Champions? Well, the practice your standing and swaying technique. With the 364 days that lead up to Black Friday, you’ve got time to practice. No if’s or buts, you’ve got to hustle. You’ve got to find every ounce of energy and gusto and practice standing up for prolong periods of time. Incorporating a balanced sway technique will get you to the finish line. The finish line having up to six registers ready to check you out. Now doesn’t that sound like something worth investing in? Black Friday, you’re either standing for yourself, or laid out flat because of turkey. Pardon my fowl language. Now, which one are you going to be?

Move to Tibet and be a Monk
If you absolutely cannot stand to practice the previous four engaging and result-oriented exercise of mind and body, then you’ve got 364 days to find a comfortable chair and search for great deals on Expedia for flights to Tibet. Go there, be a Monk –Black Friday does not concern you. But let’s face it, even Monks stand in line and practice at least two of the four items listed above.

Buddhist monks march in a street in protest against the military government in Rangoon, Burma, in this file photo of Sept. 24, 2007. (Photo: AP)

There you have it. Be alert. Be prepared, stay hydrated but not to the point where your bladder will compromise your ability to remain steadfast throughout the night.

If you’re reading this, you’ve survived Black Friday too –what are your life saving tips for surviving the madness? The next 364 days is upon us, and we can all stand to learn more, leave a comment below and let your voice be heard!

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